Update & navel gazing

[puddingcat]

I'm going to base this on annwfyn's 4 pillars idea, cos it's handy.

Work.
I *think* I've come to the end of all my compulsory traiing for this year. Friday afternoon was a half day risk management seminar in London (the office is on More London Place, looking directly through the windows of HMS Belfast) - which would have been very useful if it hadn't all been available on the intranet. Ho hum; at least I got to have breakfast at Borough Market and lunch at Starbucks, and post-work alcohol with minspi and co-workers. Blimey, that boy can drink ;)

Didn't get the test drive (boo!) since JM wasn't back from "abroad".

Generally, I'm startign to feel as if 3 days isn't enough - which has to be good, albeit a little worrying :) I've been given some good stuff to do; producing comps fron scratch, amending Big Complicated things and producing accounts disclosures. All that would have been straightforward & dull 3 years ago, but it's nice to see I can still do it. I even managed to phone a client without having a panic attack...


Family.
Whoo.
I knew Mum had lost most of her hair. I didn't expect her to look like an 80 year old :( She still has a wispy bit on top, and a fringe round the back of her skull (a little like a baby orang utan, to use her words...). It wouldn't have been so bad if her hair wasn't as curly as Clarkson's, which means it sticks up instead of lying against her head.

Then Stepford Sister visited & cut it with Stepford Brother-in-Law's clippers. Mum now looks like a slightly overweight Belsen victim :(

Good news is, she was starting to perk up by the time I left. She spent 3 days in bed after the first Taxol dose, and was expecting to get up after about 2 1/2 days this time. 2 more doses and that'll be the chemo over & done with; then it'll be surgery early December and radiotherapy after Christmas. I'm so glad I've done this at postgrad level; it's quite scary enough knowing exactly what's going on at the subatomic level. I'd hate to be in the dark about it all.

She wants to see "Kinky Boots" when it comes out, and is re-reading "Good Omens", so is clearly better than you'd think to hear Dad talking about it all.


Friends.
I love my friends :) My mileage has doubled in the last couple of months, which sugests I'm seeing people more, and that's a Good Thing. Not just becasue I have some fantabulous friends, but also because I'm not noticing seeing them more... Yes, that is good, becasue this time last year, doubling my social activity would have exhausted me & left me in bed for 2 days.

I don't *think* I have anything planned at weekends until Whitby now. That's good, cos I can save up and possibly lose some of the tummy I've gained since April. I had a waist, once...

The blond ex is moving all his stuff into his fiancee's house atm; his house looks very empty without his DVD collection. At times, I get concerned that he's leaving a lot of his personality behind (he's a serious gamer geek) but then I remember how much he enjoys the middle class, comfortable life & stop worrying. He'll still game, will still collect DVD's - he just won't gather all the crap that goes with it :) No more lego Star Wars toys; instead, funky kitchen utensils. It isn't changing to suit someone else; it's growing up.


Relationships.
The theory is, I'm dating. The actuality is, I'm not. Hey ho.


Other stuff, crossovers and musings.
The London course was interesting from one point of view at least. It's convinced me that I wouldn't be happy working in London, even if they do get gym memberships, discouned restaurants & £10k more than the regions. The men are all either nerdy accountant types (1980s hairstyles, chinos, lambswool jumpers), or hairgelled wideboys who look as if they'd drive BMWs and call them "Beemers". The girls were all (except one) skeletally thin, with drastically highlighted hair, perfectly plucked eyebrows, perfect french manicures and the pointiest shoes I've ever seen. The normal girl was *completely* ignored by all the others.

Compare that to the Manchester office. We have around a 50:50 divide between "comfortable" types, who are either middle aged & have families, or are the jolly Girl Guider style who have no truck with this dieting lark and who aren't embarrassed to talk about cats & cross stitch, and the glamorous trainees who are gym devotees, wear Karen Millen & Jimmy Choo, and have HUGE (yet tasteful) engagement rings despite being under 25. Then there's me...

But at least I can be me and still get talked to here. I get the feeling I'm the others' "strange friend from work", who they can shock their friends & family with at work parties. It's not too bad, really :)


Then there's this "12 babes of Christmas" thing. I know who nominated me, so I'm not all excited about having a Sooper Sekrit Admiror, and I've accepted on the basis that every vote I get is one more than I'd expect. I sent in a few of the photos that karohemd took, but still have to choose one to be the "main" thing on the voting page. The problem is going to be finding one that gets me votes. It may not be a strictly 18-rated thing, but there's a lot of nudity going on there. I'm not going to win, but it would be nice to do better than some of the other people I know who've been nominated (it is a competition, after all...) and I've started thinking that, fantastic though the photos might be, they're still of me. And I'm just not as pretty / stunning / attractive / sexy / whatever as many of the other nominees.

I know that, in the geek / gaming crowd, being overweight is much more acceptable than in many other social circles (such as the office). So I can understand when I see the oft-repeated "I'm fat 'n' ugly!"; "It doesn't matter!" / "No you aren't!" posts & replies. The thing is, (the thing is...) that, just because there's a higher percentage of overweight people in a certain social group, the protestations of that group doesn't change the preferences of all the other groups. So I'm probably slightly slimmer than the average female gamer, but that doesn't mean I'm a healthy weight (I'm borderline overweight, going by the scales, my BMI and waist:hip ratio). Nor does having a few people in my social circle saying I look ok mean that I'll automatically think I'm hot; I work with many, many people who are slimmer, prettier and better turned out (in short, who get the whole "Girl Thing") than me. So, while I can (at least) now accept compliments & (usually) believe that people mean them, the vast majority of People I Know disagree with the complimenter.


And I've sorted out the first of my six free counselling sessions, to try & tidy up the remaining Issues from the davywavy situation. Who knows, maybe one day I'll agree with someone who tells me I'm hot? Until then, stories of grotesque mishaps befallng the CJTC will be gratefully received ;)

And Jasper has just sat on my lap for a good, hard shoulder scratch, and left his tongue sticking out :)

And I've discovered how fab New Model Army are. Why has it taken me so long? I have "Eight", "Impurity", and "No Rest For The Wicked", and love them all.

Comments

[becky-spence.livejournal.com]

I sent in a few of the photos that karohemd took, but still have to choose one to be the "main" thing on the voting page. The problem is going to be finding one that gets me votes

If that piccie on the website I see for you right now doesn't get you votes, they're not looking properly *nods* Tis a gorgeous picture of you.

I'm trying to work out myself how to set a piccie for mine! No clue. Fear the tech shall defeat me :)

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

I just sent a bunch & told him to pick which one he wanted. Looks like he's chosen one of your LJ icons for now.

Attractiveness

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

I don't get the whole girlie thing (although I DO have a weakness for boots). I never wear make-up. I bite my nails. I can never be arsed to do anything with my hair. My out of work "uniform" is a t-shirt and combats. I've never dieted in my life, and I'm on the top side of acceptable according to my BMI. I wear glasses because contact lenses are too much faff, I smoke, I drink, I eat like I enjoy food (which I do) and I swear like a navvy who's just tried to dig through his foot.

From the age of about 14 I've been fighting men off like you would not believe. Attractiveness is nothing to do with looks; if anything, beautiful girls scare men away by looking too unattainable. Being appraochable is good, but bucketloads of confidence and not giving a shit what anyone else thinks are what men are attracted to, in my experience.

So, you know, not having actually looked at a picture of you (that I'm aware of) I have no idea if people are just buttering you up or if they mean it when they say you're not fat, but even if you ARE it makes no difference to your attractiveness, unless YOU let it.

Re: Attractiveness

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Go look at my userpics; most of the people ones (apart from the 2 Bettie Page ones & the Top Gear couple) are of me.

I think that, for this 12 babes thing, 99% of people wo't have met me & so won't have anything to go on *but* how I look in photos.

Otherwise, I'm just starting to come round to believing that other people can find a variety of shapes & looks attractive. I know *I* can, but I'm surrounded by people at work who won't look twice unless a girl's a size 8-10 and immaculate. They'll be friends, sure, but I'm "one of the lads" until they get drunk enough to fall down my cleavage...

And, deep down, my opinion of men is pretty bad, really (looks guilty). Logic has to fight to get a look in and, until it manages, I can't accept that anyone could actually find flab *attractive* - default is unpleasant, then with some arguing I can sometimes get it to "well, if there's nothing better, I'll accept a bit of tummy". Only once have I actually *believed*, deep down, that someone has genuinely found wobbly bits a turn on.

Re: Attractiveness

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't stand skinny men, and won't even look twice unless there's a bit of tummy. That's much more to do with feel than looks though, I'm a very tactile person, as you'll know if you've ever heard my spoutings on the subject of men's hair.

Now, attracting men and finding men that are worth attracting are two VERY different things. After much empirical experimentation over a large number of years I can confidently announce that the reason your opinion of most men is bad is because most men are, in fact, utter twats who should have been shot at birth. The trick is finding one of the 0.0001% that aren't. In this respect, being "one of the lads" actually helps - you get to see them in their natural habitat, not when they are trying to impress you. It's something that the blonde, be-makeupped, girly girls NEVER get to see. Use it to your advantage.

And how you look in photos is not just looks, it's facial expression and body-language too. Looking at your user pics, apart from the fact that you ARE pretty, and people are NOT lying to you, there's a definite aura of non-conformist confidence that is very sexy. I'd vote for you over some skeletal blonde clone girl any day.

Oh, and I have new rock boots too ;)

Re: Attractiveness

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

won't even look twice unless there's a bit of tummy
Dammit, and I just got rid of mine. ;o)

Nicely put.
BTW, you can find bigger versions of the photos here

Re: Attractiveness

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Ozzy, are you trying to chat up my f-list?

*raises eybrows*

Re: Attractiveness

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

* dismissive hand gesture *

I need to get rid of the one I've got before I start even considering looking for more.

Know a good hitman? ;)

Re: Attractiveness

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

*laughs*
Er, no. Just a random comment.

Re: Attractiveness

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Whee! New Rocks!

Unfortunately, knowing men from within as one of the lads rather puts me off most of them :) I *want* them to try & impress me! I *want* to be worth making an effort!

I do prefer thin(ner) men, but have often dated those with a bit more padding :) Thing is, the kind of *girl* I find attractive tends to be the thin-and-pretty type. Not TV personalities; they're all bland clones, but *good* models (Milla Jovovich, Linda Evangelista) who have something *else*. Unfortunatly, I just prefer the look of flat stomach - on me or anyone else :(

Re: Attractiveness

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, knowing men from within as one of the lads rather puts me off most of them

Hon, that is NOT unfortunate. It saves you from finding out the hard way, once you've already fallen in love with them. It saves you from getting your heart trampled on by the thoughtless troglodytes when they finally show their true colours - and believe me, they always do. If you find one that can be attractive when he's part of a gang of lads, THAT's the holy Grail.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

The thing to remember with the chemo is that her hair will grow back really quickly when tis done - it actually can look really different and cute. My Mum's hair grew back super curly and soft - the softness I think is quite usual. It's like a new born baby hair thing - deeply cute.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
000078/0-ppppppppppppppppplmpjknp4iokk9k9kMum's couldn't get curlier without being an afro!ty666666

(Jasper's helping)

ATM, one of her online friends has knitted her a hat from Rhona-pink fluffy wool,a nd she's collecting headscarves. I think there's a vague plan to get a blonde wig since she's always wanted long straight blonde hair instead of short curly brown :)

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

- Good news about work!
- Glad to hear your mum is making progress, too.
- I get the feeling I'm the others' "strange friend from work"
I get that, too. I don't socialise with people from work at all currently, with the exception of Sami (who came up to Manchester with me) occasionally. Our work doesn't do socials, either (they're far too tight-fisted to do that), except self-organised leaving dos.
- Friends are good and I for one would love seeing more of you. :o) Damn this distance. Let's hope you do find your way down South soon...
- Attractiveness is hard to measure. I know a few people who comply with the media standards of being pretty/beautiful but I don't fancy them at all because they usually lack in personality. I don't think that's a gamer/social circle thing, it's just personal preference. snapesbabe put it into words quite eloquently.
- Well, if my photos get you votes in the 12 Babes, we've achieved our objective. :o)
- Good luck with the counselling! And you're damn hot, I have proof right here on my hard drive.
- You need to set up a secret webcam so you can post some photos of Jasper being pampered ;o)
- NMA were on tour just recently and apparently quite good from what I've heard

All the things you're written about are proof that you're on the way up and not stopping for a while either. Keep it up! If there's anything I can do to help, let me know, you've got my moral support and you can grab some of my positive vibes any time you like. :o)

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

< grump >
"hot" is an opinion, and I'll go with the majority vote...
What I meant with the social circle stuff is that "rounder" people are more common and - to put it bluntly - more likely to pull in certain circles. I'm not saying that's becasue gamers are more desperate, or that there's a genetic link between enjoying gaming and findng larger people attractive, or that gamers are better at ignoring someone's appearance & identifying good personalities. But out of all the social circles I'm part of, to whatever degree, there are more large people in the gaming ones, and those people are certainly more likely to be flirted with and compliemtned than they would be in any other circle.

< /grump >

[nurse-liz.livejournal.com]

Glad things are going well with work and whatnot.

You're definitely on my 12 Babes of christmas list.

It was fab to see you for my birthday - we need to organise a weekend for me to come to Mcr (though I'll need to dose up on antihistamines beforehand - bloody cat allergies).

Liz x

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Yes! Come & visit! Though it will be November at the earliest :(

[nurse-liz.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm free for all of November, except for nannyo's girly weekend. Are you coming to that, by the way? So if you name a good weekend, I'll be there. :)

[nannyo.livejournal.com]

Can I come to play toooo? I think we would make a marvellous three graces (perhaps I could be the clumsy one?).

Well, I think you're a fox!

N.

[nurse-liz.livejournal.com]

That is a fab idea. I can show you my Manchester! :)

Mums,cats and tummies

[dragonmamma.livejournal.com]

Great to hear that your Mum is taking such a positive attitude. That will do her more good than almost anything. Love the piccy of you and the cat. Glad to hear you being so positive about you life in general. I admit to finding it very hard to be back at work every day and wish I could have got 3 days a week for myself. Absolutely agree with your inner feelings about being overweight. It doesnt matter how many times the friends say you are attractive its what you feel inside. I KNOW I'm massively fat (and therefore not sexy) however attractive (i.e. nice) my friends find me. Strangers will always see a fat middle aged mumsy type. But inside I have never been like that. Now if only I can summon up the willpower to go to the gym regularly maybe I can do something about it. Personally I think you look very sexy in a grown up womanly sort of way that's faintly mysterious, rather than in a dolly bird sort of way. But only when you try. A lot of the time I have seen you hide inside yourself and go all dull. When you want to you can really SHINE.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

YES yes yes! Hee, we can be the three witches - can I be The Other One? Since you're Nanny, and Liz is the youngster...

[nannyo.livejournal.com]

I'll bring the scumble! Wooo hooo hoooo....
N.

[dr-wez.livejournal.com]

Doesn't The Other One have unicorn-handling skills?

[dr-wez.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on work. Glad to hear that your mum is chirpy & doing well, if beset with visitors from Stepford. Don't understand the Relationships section, but then I'm of the gender that's not supposed to, right?
I have to agree with you about London & its brimming with society's well-dressed effluent (with some notable exceptions of my acquaintance). But then I'm living in a town where 90% of the people I pass in the street are students, and even if I wanted to socialise with them, having graduated from a post-graduate degree almost three years ago is a bit of a conversation-killer.
As for looks, I'd rather be over-weight but fundamentally handsome than (slightly) under-weight and not.
Perhaps gamers are drawn to people with more unusual looks than most, and so go for to partners who don't just fit the stick-thin-waistrell/muscle-boy image we all (obviously) aspire to.
So I suppose you're not likely to win "12 babes of Christmas", because although you are beautiful, you may well be filtered out by herd mentality. Still, at the end of the day, you have a cracking pair of norks, the face of a naughty angel, and can hold a conversation about something other than shoes without having to be reminded to breathe or blink.

[princesspy.livejournal.com]

ello there

um thought you may like to know you've been mentioned in a certain person's newspaper column regarding a certain motor vehicle you were looking to purchase (which appears this weekend in a certain broadsheet).

;)