In which I rant, again

[puddingcat]

I know, this is getting boring. But the weather's stuffy and damp and giving me a headache, I still have a virus of DOOM on my PC, and I've had the day off and achieved almost nothing.

So I'm pleased to present some links to Very Worthy Rants, making Very Good Points about rape and sexual assault.

First is cereta's post, which started things off. There are some wonderful comments and some appalling ones. Personally, I think they're all worth reading because some people really do think like that.

rachelmanija refers to that post, and adds some more Very Good Points. I'll add one that she didn't include (and I'll go & comment there in a minute): I genuinely used to believe, at a gut level (i.e. if you'd challenged me, I'd have realised I was wrong - but would have noticed my change in opinion and been horrified by it) that to say "No" you actually had to say "no".

khalinche explains what it's like to be female. Yes, it is that bad. Manchester was worse. I got so damned good at convincing people that I just wasn't there (whether on a bus, walking across Piccadilly Gardens during the daytime, shopping on a Saturday) just to minimise the level of abuse I'd get, that I'm finding it very, very difficult to break that habit now I'm living somewhere less awful.

coffeeandink refers back to the dreadful Let's Grope Women At Conventions project and comments on how easy it is not to believe people.

And nestra points out that you do know someone who's been raped. They just don't trust you well enough to have told you. Why would they, when your reaction - even for an instant - is to wonder what you'd been doing at the time, to have drawn a rapist's attention?


This is why I don't want people to stop making cracks in front of me about getting girls drunk so they'll get a shag. Yes, really. Because if you go away thinking "Jenny doesn't like jokes like that", you'll keep saying them in front of other people, and keep thinking they're funny. Because nobody the hell else will call you on them. Tell them in front of me, and I'll remind you that it's rape. And after a few times, it might sink in.


And, you know what else? I have THE RAGE that I feel lucky that I'm not a rape victim. It shouldn't be luck. It should be normal.

(Don't piss me off in the comments. I can go into details of just what I *have* put up with, and I really don't want to. And now it's thundering outside.)

Comments

[ginasketch.livejournal.com]

I've never been raped either, but I have been sexually assaulted. It was nearly every day at school. And I can't think of many women I know who haven't been through something of that ilk. It happens way too fucking much.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Not every day for me, but certainly enough times to have lost count. But, you know, it's always because of something we've done / not done.

[miss_s_b]

Thank you for this.

[macavitykitsune.livejournal.com]

I.....holy fuck, okay. This blew me away. I've been reading for an hour, and it's probably not what I need given my current mood, but...

You know, this is exactly why, despite being bisexual, I will never, ever have a relationship with an Indian man. Fullstop. I have seen firsthand the kind of shit that goes on in Indian families (families everywhere, really, but the culture here is far, far worse than the West about this), and I simply can't conceive of having sex with an Indian for that reason, much less marrying into a family of that culture. It's a crazy bias to have, I know (especially given I know a LOT of wonderful men who are Indian), but I can't help it, and it's a visceral Do Not Want that happens in my gut when I think about it.

I've been sexually assaulted, though not raped, and it was someone within my extended family. He was a priest. My entire family knows, and nobody has done a thing about it, short of telling me to "get over it". A few months ago, my father gave him my cellphone number - because he asked for it. No questions.

It goes back to the Not Rape, I guess. Was it okay for him to have the number of my private phone because he had Not Raped me? Was it okay that my grandparents nearly invited him to my flat before I threatened my father, screamed at him and had a nervous breakdown?

Was it okay that I had to APOLOGISE to my father for having objected to his giving that bastard my phone number?

I would say NO. And yet I did.

I don't know if it's a reaction to patriarchy or my culture specifically, but that's where I'm at. And in my country? I would have a better chance hunting down my rapist and killing him myself, were I raped, than trying any legal method. In fact, I likely would. ....how sick is it that I have to have a plan for if I'm raped? Yeah, well.

This is something that I can't really talk about coherently; I've known too many women who are close to me who've suffered this.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Yeah. The comments are making me very uncomfortable about my parents' attitudes. Not as bad as yours, from that story, but still... I don't think I'd want to tell them if anything serious *did* happen.

[avariel-wings.livejournal.com]

It's sad but true that most men will never get what it's like. How in empty places or after dark, we look over our shoulders at every new footstep behind us to see who it is and assess their threat level. How a minute's walk cutting through an unlit car park on the way home is a genuinely scary experience (I used to have to do this regularly, and another woman going the same way once offered to give me bus fare because I looked so nervous). And even if nothing bad ever actually happens to you in your life, those things are still a fact.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

And you get to an age where you don't *consciously* think about it, because it's become habitual, and so people don't notice you making those decisions, and think they don't need to be taken.

[louiselux.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting all those links, and your own thoughts on it too. I've been reading this whole debate and it's been amazing and angry-making by turns.

Last year there was a headline in the local rag here, just about the time university ends for the summer, saying something along the lines of police warning graduates not to get too drunk and to not go off with strange men. I looked at it and thought 'where's the headline telling men not to take advantage of drunk girls, or not to rape them'?

To me, that just typifies the huge chasm of understanding between women and men on this issue. We're made to feel we cause these situations, and men are allowed to think that it's not their responsibility.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

I'm still reading Cereta's comments, and they're very emotive. It took a few days to calm down enough to post coherently - and that was a close thing, and on the same day a good friend commented on the "nice view" in relation to a group of young women in sundresses.

Did you see this thread?